Managing everyone’s emotions
Are you the peacekeeper? Are you the one who comes to the rescue when someone is upset? Do you notice how everyone else is feeling and somehow feel that it’s your job to fix it or make things better? Do you take on someone else’s emotions as your own? Have you tended to everyone else’s needs for so long that you’ve forgotten what yours are?
Today Dr. Mariel Buqué says that this kind of pattern is something we’ve picked up throughout our lives. Maybe we saw someone else, like a parent, grandparent, guardian, or sibling, taking care of everyone they love, even if it meant putting their own feelings or needs aside in order to hold it all together. Often, this pattern is passed on from generation to generation – but even if we’ve adopted the same behaviors it doesn’t mean that they have to continue.
Dr. Buqué leads us through a practice that asks us to think about what we noticed as we grew up, someone who was the ‘fixer’, etc. Then she asks us to think about the present day and if we “felt responsible for someone else’s feelings” recently. She reminds us not to dig too deeply, just touch on the memory, remember how it made us feel as well as how we responded, and see if we can recognize the pattern. She also asks us to find the place in our bodies that holds that tension or unease and acknowledge it. Here’s the part that blew me away. She tells us to ask ourselves this question:
“Is this feeling mine, or am I taking responsibility for how someone else feels?”
Oh boy. That’s a pretty powerful question. Then she asks another zinger:
“What am I afraid might happen if I don’t try to make this person feel better?”
Finally, she wants us to imagine putting down what we’re carrying for someone else. And that doesn’t mean we’re ignoring it or the other person. It doesn’t mean that we don’t care. It doesn’t mean that we’re going to dismiss it. It just means that we’re going to recognize that their feelings are theirs. Our feelings are ours. And we don’t have to carry them all. Dr. Buqué says that now we can say,
“I can care about you without carrying this for you.”
She reminds us to be patient as we learn how not to carry the burdens and feelings of others. It’s going to take some time. The pattern didn’t develop in a day – so we can’t expect it to just magically disappear. We have to work at it. We need to keep reminding ourselves that it’s ok to put down what we no longer need to carry. She says that, when we recognize the pattern or reaction, we need to pause and ask ourselves if it’s something that we actually need to carry. And if it’s not, it’s ok to put it down. We’re not abandoning the other person but we can’t carry what isn’t ours.
I’ll admit that I feel things very deeply. I always have. And when someone is upset or suffering I hold it very close to me. As a parent, that’s how I’ve always reacted and sometimes it meant that I put all of myself into helping them, forgetting that sometimes their problems need to be their problems. I’m getting better at letting some of that go and on occasion I will set my intention for the day with “Today I will put down what I no longer need to carry.” (I have the Insight Timer widget on my home screen that reminds me of that intention throughout the day. LOL) It’s going to take some time though. It won’t happen overnight.
I hope that you found something valuable in today’s meditation that you can take with you into every day. I hope, if you’re the one who feels responsible for everyone else, that you can find some time for yourself, practice asking the questions Dr. Buqué brought about, and begin to recognize and shift the pattern. And I sincerely hope that you can start to put down what you don’t need to carry so that you can pay more attention to what you truly need.
Namaste.
#breakthepatternchallenge
#putdownwhatyoudontneedtocarry
The information provided on this website is intended for educational purposes only and is, in no way, a substitute for professional medical advice. The events, practices, and opinions discussed here are those of the author and should be treated as such. ALWAYS talk with your doctor about conditions, medications, and concerns you have about your health and work together to determine the best course of action for you.
