Over-explaining yourself
Wow! Ok. Terri Cole just hit a home run with this one.
How many times have you given someone an answer to their question . . . and then followed it up with a novel explaining it?
If I had a dime for every time I over-explained myself I could’ve retired by the time I was 30. The good news, according to Terri, is that there’s nothing wrong with me. Like just about everything else we’ve been learning about thus far, it’s something I’ve learned. She says that, when we over-explain, it’s “not about needing to provide more information, it’s about trying to manage someone else’s response to what you’ve said.” Basically, we’ve been taught that the first answer we gave wasn’t good enough all by itself. We’ve learned to defend our answers because maybe someone got angry. Or maybe that person was disappointed. Or maybe they retreated, withdrawing from interaction with us. Maybe we were criticized for it. Or maybe keeping the peace and making everyone else happy was revered and rewarded so we desperately want to avoid rocking the boat. We may even be anxious about how we think they might react and work overtime to make them understand our reasoning.
There’s a little problem, though. Terri says that not only are we doing way more “emotional labor” than we need to but that by over-explaining we may actually be opening the door to being persuaded by the other person to overturn our original decision. We may inadvertently give the impression that our decision isn’t final.
But guess what? Terri says some really cool stuff here that I feel is totally worth repeating – and possibly posting throughout my house:
“You don’t need to build a legal defense for your boundaries.”
“You’re allowed to have a preference simply because it’s your preference.”
“You’re allowed to say ‘no’ without producing evidence.”
“You’re allowed to let another person have a feeling about your boundary without rushing in to ‘fix’ that feeling.”
It’s so nice to hear somebody say that. Truly. But now comes the hard part: Terri is going to walk us through how to “tolerate the discomfort of saying less”. Crikey! Deep breath. Here we go . . .
Terri asks us to sit comfortably, closing our eyes, and think of a recent situation in which we over-explained. Deep breath in. Slow breath out. She asks us to remember what happened and simply notice where we’re feeling it in our bodies. She doesn’t want us to do anything about it, just observe. Then she wants us to ask, “What was I afraid would happen if I simply let my original statement stand?” In other words, think about how the other person would react if we didn’t add anything else. Next, we try to figure out the underlying fear that caused the over-explaining. She suggests things like, “I’m afraid they’ll be upset with me”, “I’m afraid they’ll think I’m selfish”, and “I’m afraid they won’t understand”. Whatever pops into our heads. After another deep breath she offers the following reminders to ourselves:
“I can allow someone else to have their feelings.”
The next few things that she says are directed at us but in my head I changed the “you” to “I”:
“I do not have to manage their disappointment.”
“I do not have to make my boundary painless for everyone.”
“I do not have to convince someone that my ‘no’ is a good enough ‘no’.”
Finally, Terri asks us to imagine the original scenario again and, this time, “rewrite it”. Instead of all the rambling, she wants us to cut through the cloud of wordy clutter and find the most concise answer. It could be as simple as, “No thank you.” How about “I’m not available” or “That doesn’t work for me”? Whatever it is, we say it. And then sit in what follows. (I’ll tell you that my chest instantly constricted at that moment.) She asks us to notice what happens. How does it feel? Where do we feel it? Did we want to interject an explanation or apology? Terri tells us to take a deep breath and not give in to the urge to add words. “Just pause,” she says.
As uncomfortable as it might feel, this is what we need to practice. Terri reminds us that we have no control over other people, how they act, how they react, or how they feel about what we’ve said – and we don’t need to. We can’t avoid all confrontations or disappointments. What we can do is work to make it clear that our ‘no’ means ‘no’ – and that in itself is good enough. Terri says that whenever we feel the need to start explaining ourselves or offering up reasons for this, that, or the other, she wants us to pause, take a deep breath, and resist the urge. She suggests asking ourselves:
“Did they actually ask for more information or am I trying to manage their reaction?”
I was blown away when she said that if we realize that we’re trying to manage the reaction, stop right there. Don’t add anything else. Watch what happens. Then she reminds us that we don’t have to justify our answers to anyone. We’re not being rude. We’re not being selfish. We’re just resting in the fact that our ‘no’ is good enough.
This is, by far, my favorite session of this challenge. And my guess is that I’m going to be practicing this exercise a lot. I hope that you found something useful to take away from today’s lesson. I wish you the best of days.
Namaste.
#breakyourpatternschallenge
#insighttimer
#mynoisgoodenough
The information provided on this website is intended for educational purposes only and is, in no way, a substitute for professional medical advice. The events, practices, and opinions discussed here are those of the author and should be treated as such. ALWAYS talk with your doctor about conditions, medications, and concerns you have about your health and work together to determine the best course of action for you.
