Chasing the spark in relationships
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh is the guest teacher on this, the final day of the challenge, and she wants to talk about relationships. Specifically, she wants to address the following issue: “losing interest the second a relationship gets comfortable”. In other words, when the ‘honeymoon’ phase is over, what then? She says a relationship might feel “flat” and then we start questioning our choice. “Is the spark gone?” “Did I pick the wrong person to begin with?”
Dr. Sara begins by talking about each person’s “love blueprint”, something that we learn from our childhoods and the people who took care of us. How was their love expressed? Through experiences? Touch? Was it by being there for us? Was love given to us without expectations? Or only when we earned it? She says that it shapes how we think love should be. So now, as we’ve become older, she says that we either constantly chase that ideal or try to escape it. The problem is that society has also influenced how we think love should be. We’ve been told it should be filled with excitement. It’s been romanticized. We’re supposed to have “butterflies in our stomach”. Dr. Sara says that butterflies doesn’t always mean love – it’s just our nervous systems on high alert. She says that when couples were asked to describe love they didn’t talk of unbridled passion or intense interactions. They spoke of all the little things that mean something only to the two of them or being understood, listened to, and accepted just as we are. (I remember reading an article that asked young children what love was and they said things like, “Love is giving the other person the bigger piece of cake” or “helping someone cry”.) But Dr. Sara says that when a relationship becomes comfortable it doesn’t mean that it’s over, or that the spark is gone, it simply means that it’s gone beyond our blueprint, but when we cultivate a strong base, love continues in other ways. Once we understand that, we can adapt accordingly.
Next, Dr. Sara asks us to grab a pencil and paper and answer some questions so we can map out that “blueprint”. Here they are:
“What are your earliest memories of feeling loved or of loving another?”
“What are the touches you were given or allowed to give to express and receive love?”
“Was there a particular facial expression that you associated with loving or being loved?”
“What words did you hear?”
“What do you associate with love through the senses of taste and smell?”
“Was love expressed through play, or food, or other acts and rituals?”
“Did you perceive it the same way that was offered?”
“When you were growing up did your family say, “I love you” often? Was love even part of the verbiage?”
“How did you know that you were loved, cherished, felt special?”
“Was love expressed as a reward for positive of desired behaviors like good grades, obedience, or being helpful?”
“Did you have access to it unconditionally, no matter your behavior or whatever that you achieved?”
“When you think about loving relationships today, either romantic or platonic with your friends, with your siblings, even with your coworkers, what behaviors do you associate with feeling love and giving love?”
“What was the energy around you when you felt love . . . or when love was taken away?”
Dr. Sara encourages us to take some time to look at our answers so that we can figure out what we need in our relationships, what draws us toward others, what repels us, how to become aware of these things, and ultimately how to express them to others. She says that we all are deserving of the kind of relationships that we truly want and we have the power to create those relationships.
This session has the potential to help us dig deeply into our past relationships, how we perceived love, felt it, expressed it, and how to create long lasting, solid relationships into our futures.
I hope that you were able to take some valuable lessons from this challenge and that you can begin to apply them to your everyday lives, practicing the exercises you learned over the past 8 days, and shape the person you want to be as well as the life you want to lead. I know that I will. My eyes have been opened to a few unexpected revelations of my own but I now have some tools that I can use to turn things around for myself. I wish you love and happiness and newfound strength in who you are and who you will become. Have a wonderful evening.
Namaste.
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#whatislove
The information provided on this website is intended for educational purposes only and is, in no way, a substitute for professional medical advice. The events, practices, and opinions discussed here are those of the author and should be treated as such. ALWAYS talk with your doctor about conditions, medications, and concerns you have about your health and work together to determine the best course of action for you.
